disclaimer: usually around this time of the year, my mental health takes a crash. between winter and struggling with my birthday, as well as some hard dates, it’s just rough. this year is certainly no exception with the pandemic, lack of normalcy, and constant political tension from the recent election and upcoming inauguration.
something i’ve been thinking about a lot lately, is the demographic i fall into and how there is such a lack of resources and just conversation around this group of folks. that demographic is the single folks who haven’t been married, haven’t had kids, and sincerely and desperately want to. the folks who aren’t super caught up in a career path and don’t want to. the folks who are fairly content with their life but still have a deeeep desire to be a spouse and parent (it’s a paradox, i know). and i’m not talking about young 20-somethings. i’m talking about older 20-somethings and 30-somethings. there are sooo many Instagram pages, podcasts, books, and fb groups that cater to parents (especially moms) or married folks. there is this societal stigma around single adults and this misconception that they are unmarried and without children because they want to be. and to be fair, many are actively making those choices. but there’s also a good amount of people who are like myself. who want to be married. who want to be a parent. but simply aren't because that just isn’t the path life has for them at the moment. and it’s hard. can I say that? weeell i did. and i want to continue this honesty and vulnerability... it sucks.
it sucks to want something so badly and make steps toward it but it doesn’t pan out the way it needs to. it sucks to have all of your close friends in different stages of life and not be able to fully relate. it puts this weird distance between me and them for some reason- as if i don’t have as much to offer in my friendship due to this lacking. i don’t say this to guilt trip (and certainly, i have some friends who are wonderful and welcoming and love me really well), but to speak plainly and address this bizarre notion that value is indirectly attached to title or stage of life. we in America attach success and accomplishment and worthiness to being married and having kids and in doing so, isolate and push away those who aren’t in that same stage of life. don’t get me wrong, i understand the importance, and even need of having friends that get where you are in life on a personal level. i really do. but my friends don’t have more to offer me because they’re married or a parent. and in that same way, i don’t have less to offer because i don’t. and i think if you ask people, they wouldn’t come right out and say that they believe this notion... yet... i receive this message from our society every day. it’s assumed by capital S Society that if one is not married or having children by 25, it clearly means that they don’t want those things. so to consider the possibility that one does, is, apparently baffling. and i don’t say this purely on speculation or observation, but experience. i’ve had family and friends say the most well meaning things but sometimes it is tone deaf. things like, “soak up your singleness! you’ll miss it!” or, “i had no idea you wanted to get married and have kids. I just assumed... since you don’t yet...” or my personal (non) favorite, “just trust God. it’ll happen when the time is right.” As IF i’m not trusting? or that something is wrong right now? oof. none of those things are relevant, especially when those comments are a follow up from a person expressing how much they are hurting and wish their life looked different.
i think too often, men get overlooked in this group of folks. i get it, women have the whole biological clock working against them in a way that men just don’t. but it also makes me wonder... do they feel seen or validated in that hurt or deep desire? do they feel relieved? maybe. i’m not a man so i couldn’t tell ya. but i wouldn’t be surprised if they feel their desire to be a spouse or parent is belittled or brushed aside merely because they don’t have a reproductive time bomb. and it just makes me bummed to think about. all of this does. single folks generally feel alone anyway, and to feel put in a box until they “meet the requirements” to re-enter into society is terribly lonely.
in church, i’ve frequently heard the phrase, “use your season of singleness to serve!” and like, okay, sure. fill your time up. don’t sit around expecting life to just drop off your dreams on your door step like every purity culture conference told young girls. take up a new hobby or bring out an old one and pick it back up. volunteer. these aren’t bad things. but also... people have value even if they’re not doing anything “to serve”. and it doesn’t feel like that message is ever communicated. it feels like folks only have value and are “contributing to society” if they are serving in a way that leads to burn out, are on some sort of mission and by nature can’t plant roots within a stable community, tirelessly pursing a career that consumes all their time or are married or raising a child. what’s up with that? as a society, why don’t we respect people who live a modest, humble life? why don’t we commend people who are working a job they enjoy and have passion for even if it’s not where they want to be in 5-10 years? why don’t we communicate a person’s value as it is? why do we assign this separation between stages of life and dictate who can and can’t be friends with each other? why are folks continuously striving for the next achievement while simultaneously tsk-tsking folks for not arriving where they earnestly desire to be but truly don’t have control over? it’s mind boggling at best. at worst, it’s a major factor in the world of mental health in america. wanna know something?
i’m going to tell you the best way to get depression to win... isolate people. tell them their value is attached to their achievement. remind them their desires of being a spouse and a partner are solely on them to make happen and if it’s not happening, it’s directly because there is something wrong with that individual. tell them that what they feel is trite and to think positively anyway. tell them that if they only busy themselves enough, they won’t be reminded of their deep desire. but do all this indirectly and slap a bunch of justifiable stickers on it. extra points if techniques like gaslighting and platonic ghosting are involved. and then stand back, and watch. you’ll find a group of folks who either keep striving to meet the expectations set before them by Society. or, you’ll witness as i have witnessed, an increase in drug use, unhealthy relationship seeking, drunkenness, porn use, laziness, emotionally lashing out and then withdrawing, emotional stuffing, lack of motivation, further isolation, and then settlement. coping and numbing mechanisms. maybe it’s not that dramatic. maybe they just stop trying. they give up on that dream. they accept that they just aren’t cut out for being a spouse or parent because they’re too f***ed up. they buy into that lie. they accept defeat. and once a person accepts defeat, it’s really hard to dig them out of that hole and back standing on solid ground.
now that we reached that necessary level of heaviness and reality, may i challenge you? if you know someone who has risked being vulnerable with you enough to share their longings to be married and have kids- will you respond differently? will you listen to understand instead of respond? is there a way we can validate someone’s pain without assigning their worth to their current stage of life? will you invite in and welcome rather than pushing aside and divide? will you empathize and validate the difficulty? will you please not use God or timing as an accidental way of demeaning their desire? will you reach out and check in on them? most importantly, will you share this with others and encourage them to do the same?
humans aren’t meant to do life alone. we are supposed to be in community with each other. with people who are like us, and people who aren’t. if only we didn’t get so caught up in their status, culture, gender, faith, age or season of life. if only we didn’t get hung up on only being friends with people who are like us. if only we sought out folks who shared the same desire to know others and live out the notion that everyone has something to offer. everyone is worthy of friendship and community. and it’s up to us to open our arms and BE that community. we need to act like lives depend on it because to an extent, they do. people aren’t disposable, and high it’s time we stopped acting as if they are.