Vulnerability. Even typing that word creates small bubbles of emotions that rise to the surface and pop! Quickly and unexpectedly. My chest has tiny tremors of tension and a few muscles in my arms tense. My breath catches or is held for the briefest moment..
For me, vulnerability is often associated with the words “risk”, “pain”, and “fear”. Not all the time though. There are a handful of people I feel free to be my full self with and feel safe to be vulnerable on the reg. I’m extremely grateful for those humans. They’ve stood by my side for years and continuously bring growth & goodness to my life. And they also give themselves permission to be vulnerable with me, which is a gift of such deep value.
But what do we do when we are vulnerable with someone and they don’t handle it well? What happens when we share parts of ourself with someone, parts that are dark, complicated, messy, and sources of pain? And they respond poorly, dismissing or ignoring what we gave, or worse make fun of it and don’t understand it? Or even more painful than that (for me personally), they walk away? Maybe not even immediately, but weeks, months, or years later. Someone we were vulnerable with, someone who we let in and thought was safe, leaves and we can’t take back the pieces of vulnerability given to them. Vulnerability is an exposure and a gamble- sometimes we don’t know what will happen after making the choice to be seen and heard. Sometimes we get surprised by someone- maybe someone who had been trustworthy in the past suddenly reacts in a hurtful way to emotions or thoughts we share.
When that happens, we are given two options: to turn inward and allow that situation to mold our future opportunities of vulnerability and decrease the likelihood of doing so, or continue being vulnerable. In a song I was listening to today, a lyric said, “I would tell you all my secrets, wrap your arms around my weakness; if the only other option's letting go
I'll stay vulnerable.” It caused me to stop and consider if that was healthy and if I do this. Don’t mishear me, I’m not suggesting devaluing our heart and times of vulnerability, giving them to people who continuously respond in a way that is hurtful. I don’t think the artist was suggesting or supporting that either. Boundaries are good and not every is someone we can always be vulnerable with all the time. But how much easier is it to allow walls to grow higher and higher, especially after experiencing some type of hurt after being vulnerable? Trust issues form and we feel justified in hiding away the parts of us we hold close, potentially not even letting those who are trustworthy in to those spaces we’ve worked so hard to protect. So then, those places never get to show themselves and yes, we are kept safe, but we are also limiting ourselves from being fully known and therefore, fully cherished and embraced. By withholding parts of us in the name of protecting ourselves, we are hindering ourselves from belonging and being cared for. We are taking away the possibility of authenticity and connection, the things every single human craves and longs for.
I'll stay vulnerable.” It caused me to stop and consider if that was healthy and if I do this. Don’t mishear me, I’m not suggesting devaluing our heart and times of vulnerability, giving them to people who continuously respond in a way that is hurtful. I don’t think the artist was suggesting or supporting that either. Boundaries are good and not every is someone we can always be vulnerable with all the time. But how much easier is it to allow walls to grow higher and higher, especially after experiencing some type of hurt after being vulnerable? Trust issues form and we feel justified in hiding away the parts of us we hold close, potentially not even letting those who are trustworthy in to those spaces we’ve worked so hard to protect. So then, those places never get to show themselves and yes, we are kept safe, but we are also limiting ourselves from being fully known and therefore, fully cherished and embraced. By withholding parts of us in the name of protecting ourselves, we are hindering ourselves from belonging and being cared for. We are taking away the possibility of authenticity and connection, the things every single human craves and longs for.
We are robbing ourselves of love.
Rather than allowing the times of vulnerability mishandled or rejected to hold me back and build fake ways of keeping myself safe, I want it to catapult me into growth- to continue choosing vulnerability. Doing so requires immense courage. It makes sense that vulnerability can cause a physical stress reaction, let alone a psychological and emotional reaction. But vulnerability also births and promotes healing, change, healthfulness, and growth. It is the diving board going into the pool of belonging.
... Again, no, that isn’t synonymous with not having boundaries or honoring your heart and emotions. Those can coexist, and that is healthy.
Lately, I have been smacked in the face with the word, “courage”. Continuing to choose vulnerability is a more specific way I am going to pursue and have courage in the days to come. I want to keep sharing myself with others, building connection and community. I also hope to be a safe enough space for others to be vulnerable in return. I want to listen well, respond in kindness, and never let my emotions decide my actions. I long to be trustworthy, honest, transparent, and respectful. I want people to feel seen and known by me; to feel like they belong and are cared for. And sure, the reason behind that is because those are core longings of my own heart.
But, I mean, aren’t they longings everyone has?
I’d love to hear your own thoughts on this, so feel free to comment or reach out. I realize doing so for some may require vulnerability. I hope you are encouraged to choose vulnerablity courageously, even if not with me. I hope you find a space where you can belong, be known, and be loved. I hope you allow yourself to be that for others- which again, can be an act of vulnerability. You can do it. I believe in you.
~ yours truly