I have mixed feelings about posting (and even writing) something about this whole “past decade/new decade” thing. Not to hate on the people who are doing that (because here I am doing it too) but jeez, it’s just so. much.
I recognize that it’s potentially so overwhelming primarily because the past decade contained some of the most extreme years of growth and change for any human (ages 15-25). But seriously. It’s been so damn much. I have lost more than I want to say or could even begin to articulate. And I don’t want this entire post to be sad because though the sadness was real and intense and valid, it didn’t make up the whole ten years. However, I have struggled with depression the entire time. I don’t say this for the sake of being dramatic- I genuinely shouldn’t still be here. But at some point, between my friends keeping me alive and healing enough to care to fight on my own, I made it. I’m here. I’m grateful and glad. I’m relieved. I don’t have time to write all that I’ve learned. But the memories pass through my mind like pages from a flip book. I see how I’ve grown. How I’ve hurt in deep anguish. How I’ve gotten up and kept walking after grief. How I’ve desperately looked for joy in the little things; happiness is something I get to create, not to just wait around and hope it happens. How I’ve loved a few people and don’t talk to any of them now. How that makes me sad because they’re amazing and each of them all thought friendship was possible after the break up.
I recognize that it’s potentially so overwhelming primarily because the past decade contained some of the most extreme years of growth and change for any human (ages 15-25). But seriously. It’s been so damn much. I have lost more than I want to say or could even begin to articulate. And I don’t want this entire post to be sad because though the sadness was real and intense and valid, it didn’t make up the whole ten years. However, I have struggled with depression the entire time. I don’t say this for the sake of being dramatic- I genuinely shouldn’t still be here. But at some point, between my friends keeping me alive and healing enough to care to fight on my own, I made it. I’m here. I’m grateful and glad. I’m relieved. I don’t have time to write all that I’ve learned. But the memories pass through my mind like pages from a flip book. I see how I’ve grown. How I’ve hurt in deep anguish. How I’ve gotten up and kept walking after grief. How I’ve desperately looked for joy in the little things; happiness is something I get to create, not to just wait around and hope it happens. How I’ve loved a few people and don’t talk to any of them now. How that makes me sad because they’re amazing and each of them all thought friendship was possible after the break up.
It’s not.
And that’s somehow okay, but I still wish they had been right. One in particular marked me in ways that will stay forever, I think. And I think I’m at the place now where I’m only grateful for the marks he left. I’m sillier and I like myself more because of him. I think about my friends that are gone, by death or by drifting. I miss some more than others but loss is still loss, ya know?
I don’t have much to say about this new year or new decade... I am hopeful, that it will be rich, full of goodness, dreams, and kindness. Dear two thousand twenty, please be kind.
love & hope passed to you,
I think about the good. Oh wow. Oh so much good! Like first kisses and fireflies on summer nights. Laughing with my cousins and staying up till 2am. I think about baseball games and football games. I think of Wednesdays and New Life Church and youth group evenings and pestering my ginger buddy while he worked. I think about school dances and college pathways and nutella. I think about theater and dance routines, horse camp vaulting and t-shirt writings. I think of a Swedish boy and his love for coffee with pepparkakor. I think of magical moments and sneaking smirnoff ice and sugary mike’s to Fox Run Park at 18. I think of summer 2013. It was perfect. And if you know, you know. *wink* If you know... Then you are a wonderful gift that I received in the past decade:
hey you, I love you bunches and I’m eternally thankful for you, that summer, and where we are now.
I think about reaching the top of the mountain and the hands that helped me get there. I think about leaving Colorado and venturing to the Midwest. I think about all the souls I got to know and all the ones I still know there. I think about how I persevered and fought hard. I think about the stuff that no one knows and might not ever know; how I’m grateful for therapy, learning about boundaries, and healing. I think about all the question marks I had at the beginning of the decade, and now they’re mostly erased. I think about the times I made poor choices and am now able to laugh about them (or make demented jokes- same thing, right?). I think about the ones who stood beside me, in front of me, around me and behind me; thank you. I think about how much of a hippie I’ve become and blame Hallster entirely (ps. you’re forever the best thing that happened to me in 2014). I think about the rest of the years after and the dancing, moving, newness, traveling, and moments of feeling loved. I think about red couch hangz. I think about my gypsy soul. I think about freedom. I think about exploring cities, bonfires, and whiskey sippin’ midnights. I think about coming home and figuring out what it means to come home. I think about ice skating and downtown wanderings. I think about Taylor Swift and concerts and riding horses in the wind. I think about Hillwren and pick up trucks. I think about Kansas City and how it ruined me with it’s third wave coffee shops. I think about lakes and sunshine, hot tubbing and long hikes. I think about weddings and new babies. So. Many. Weddings.
I think about camping trips and happy accidents and my blonde haired best friend. I think about jungle eyes, jazz, and late nights talking. Dreaming and doing our best. I’m proud. I’m proud of me and I’m proud of those in my community. For all the coffee dates with friends, geeking over hipster things, food adventures, and spending time with the most beautiful people to walk this earth, I cannot do anything else but smile and get misty eyed. We have all had challenges for sure. And we’ve all had triumphs and wins. We’ve been smacked in the face by bricks and clothed in peace and joy. We’ve been broken and found healing. Redemption.
I haven’t been able to shake that word: redeem. Maybe that’s my “word for the year”. #redeem2020 #ifyouknowyouknow
I don’t have much to say about this new year or new decade... I am hopeful, that it will be rich, full of goodness, dreams, and kindness. Dear two thousand twenty, please be kind.
love & hope passed to you,
yours truly