From Where I'm Standing

I Came to Love You Late
O Beauty so ancient and new
I came to love You late
You were within me and I was outside
where I rushed about wildly searching for You
like some monster loose in Your beautiful world
You were with me but I was not with You
You called me
You shouted to me
You wrapped me in Your Splendor
You broke past my deafness
You bathed me in Your Light
You sent my blindness reeling
You gave out such a delightful fragrance
and I drew it in and came breathing hard after You
I tasted, and it made me hunger and thirst
You touched me
and I burned to know Your Peace"

~St. Augustine of Hippo

Sometimes I bang my head against for believing in someone. That they would be with me forever, that they even cared. Several of times I have been left with a broken heart because I believed in someone. But my question is this: Is holding onto someone that you know isn't worth it, or will let go, worth it. I remember loving someone that all my friends groaned and told me he was a player. And I knew they were right. But somehow, with the knowledge that I would regret it, I loved him anyway. That was awhile ago, but I remember it like yesterday. I remember one of my friends saying that maybe it was brave. She reminded me of my belief that love is fearless. So I jumped. It was really fun to fly for a moment. But I did fall.

Sometimes I think holding onto someone that used to care is hardest. Hmm…think of a name…Jessie. There. Jessie and I met when we were 9 years old. We took ballet classes together, went to the same church, and liked all the same things. (Mainly cats cradle, crocheting, and picking flowers.) Jessie and I did so many things together that it would take several books to write down all the memories. We called each other's parents "Mama, and Daddy" and to this day if I was at her house I could remember where they keep the allergy medicine and just about anything in the kitchen. I know a lot about her. Who she was, anyway. Soon after she turned 14 we stopped talking much, I came to see her shows sometimes, she always forgot mine. Jessie started going to a private school and I saw her about twice a year. Jessie has said some pretty cutting things about me and our other friends from when we were younger. The "Friends Forever" frame we had at her house has someone else's picture in it, and when I look back, I can't really remember why. I just wasn't very cool anymore. But I kept telling myself someday I would hear the phone ring and it would say her name like it used to about 10x a week. Until last August when I finally let her go somehow. She was already gone.

But, I guess, my point is that I can look back at some of these things with bittersweet nostalgia. I guess it's just nice to know that I was happy for awhile. I'm happy now, and I know it'll go up and down and up and down.

But maybe it's supposed to be that way.
You love, hurt, and learn….

That's just the way it looks From Where I'm Standing.

~Annie